My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

Disclaimer: All that will be shared does not mean this is my here and now, but it is some realness about me that I am finally ready to talk about...  Talking has always been something I have been afraid of because in most cases it never really helped me for the better, I mean in most cases it made me feel worse (until recent years). I am being told that I should talk more because it really is a good thing to do, but in my mind I still feel what good is it doing me; I am going to try it right now, talk openly and freely about things I am processing in this moment and time. I wrote about Toxic Love and how I realized that I was giving myself Toxic Love so I am just as bad as everyone else in my life; in my head all day today I have been processing the thoughts that one blog triggered. All the things that popped up in my mind I never really thought back on and its more so because I did not want to admit that deep inside I am angry with myself for so many different things. Its like my ...

So I had the most emotionally awakening weekends and that brought me to my definition/fear of love and being loved. I never realized until now that how I view love is tied into the daddy issues I have. Its crazy though how this was pointed out in the midst of me finally allowing myself to see him as a person and releasing the emotions on top of cutting ties. Love that I have received in my life has come with a lot of conditions, like people loved me with conditions on it and it was like the person I am was not good enough for them. There were times that I would change everything about me for the people around me to receive their love or accept the different type of (what I now know) abuse from them because I craved love. I am a really sensitive person I realized lately, I really do not like talking about my emotions or being vulnerable but tonight I feel I gotta get this out of my brain so here goes nothing... I crave to be loved in a manner that I had never experienced, crazy thing is...

Insomnia, a place I truly do not like but I know only comes when I have so much built in my brain that I need to sit and process all of it. It's crazy that I get this crazy surge of energy that will keep me up and energized like I have slept all night but truly I have been having a conversation with self and God. Many may be like conversation with self, Yes I am having a live conversation with my spiritual self that is bringing forth more knowledge of this journey past, present, and future; while God (or higher power; whatever you may call it, but I say GOD) is literally breaking somethings down in me that brings a lot full circle in the next 24 to 48 hours.  Let me lay down some back story here.... You see most of my life I have lived what many called a double life, but truthfully that was not it at all. It was more like I had created a covering over the girl, the woman, the majestical person that I truly am because I became tired of being hurt; tired of the emotional rollercoaste...

So today has been a productive day and I say that with a lot of pride because I actually did a lot. I am trying to create new habits in my lifestyle, so that I can continue to better myself. One thing that I have found to be hard in the past is Self Care; I do not know why that has been so hard for me, but this year I want to make that apart of my regular routine.  Like today, I got up I did school work, started my liquid cleanse, and even worked out (Surprisingly, I did everything I was planning to do) and I am so proud of myself because truthfully I never thought I would really stick to the changes I want to make in my life. But then again it is only day 3 and habits take about 10 days to stick so we will see if I am still doing all this in another 7 days.  But on to other things, I am feeling like my mindset about life has changed so much in the past year. I have really overcame a lot in my life and I know that I have so much more to do on this journey; I am excited about a...

It's now the 2nd day of January and I am still recovering from COVID; mainly I still have this stupid cough. I swear sitting in this house has been so tormenting but at the same time it's been kind of cleansing. I mean it's been time for me to reevaluate somethings and regain some really good focus, which truthfully is something that I really needed to end off my last year. I have never really thought out what I wanted to do in my next year, plan out my month, make a vision since like 2013. So I feel like for 2022, I wanted to do something totally different and actually plan things. Doing so became really easy because one of my best friends gave me a "Prayerful Planner" and that made me really excited about a lot of things. I have wanted a "Manifestation Journal", but I did not tell anyone because I was like I will get it; and I was gifted something better than that.  Today, I looked at my class and school load which made me really excited because I am 6...

2021 is coming to a close and as I sit here I am realizing that so much has happened in this year. I have faced so much, overcame so much, and even healed from so much. It is crazy how the year goes by so fast and so many things happen that you seem to forget about; I feel like I have so much that I want to reflect on from this past year.  My year started off kind of rough because I was mentally dealing with a lot and trying to deny that I was going through a lot. I literally was starting my last semester in my Bachelors and getting ready to check off one of my big accomplishments. I was doing this all while I am dealing with my mental health being in the worst place ever.  I graduated from DeVry with my Bachelors and I should have been so excited but for some reason I was not as excited as other people were for me. It honestly was a huge moment in my life because I have been dreaming of graduating from college for years. I spent years working towards this, but for some reason...

I literally HATE being vulnerable and I say that in the most humblest way possible. I have been trying so hard to do better with this vulnerability thing, so I thought today I would do something I try so hard to avoid; talking about my insecurities.  I honestly never really noticed that I had this many insecurities until I started feeling someone new in my life. I mean truthfully I did not realized that I was this insecure but let's talk about it. I really fear getting hurt on so many levels, I fear that I will scare someone off because I am so sensitive, and I also fear trusting someone with my heart.  I am so insecure about my looks, my intelligence, my emotions, and giving my all to someone and being played. I know a lot of you are probably reading and thinking what in the world, but this is my reality. I sit back and think nothing but negative things about myself especially when I am attractive to someone that is amazing and has all these wonderful things going for themsel...