My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

Man, what a 3 weeks I have been having with a newborn, school, and being a wife. Yes, life has went from simple to hectic slightly, but for the most part it has been okay. My newborn sleeps well and she does not keep me up all night which is a blessing, and I am able have some normalcy in life; but at the same time this whole journey is new, exciting, but very hard. So everyone talks about the "baby blues" or postpartum, which when you hear about it can cause so much panic and anxiety. Because I have my own mental health issues that I have dealt with in the past. So to get ahead of it I got a therapist, which truthfully ended up helping with some other things that I did not know was affecting me. So let's get to it... I am not having the scary postpartum thoughts, but I am have been slightly in my feelings about things dealing with my family. Well truthfully, things dealing with my father... He does not realize that his actions hurt me and how him not wanting to be ac...

Well hello again, So let's dive into the things that have overlooked processing; YES you guessed it the biggest death I have ever faced in my life, MY PARENT'S DIVORCE. You see I have avoided really voicing how I feel about this situation because I honestly have tried to keep my mind on other things; well today I think I am ready to just let it all out. Let's start from the beginning, I have mentioned before that my relationship with my father and mother was strained at some points in my life, but truthfully my father thinks of me as an issue because of my lifestyle. He always tried to make it seem like everything was good and he had no problems with anything but that was all a lie. In time, I started to see that being a "Daddy's Girl" was a figment of my imagination and it was something I thought was true but honestly it never was. So October of 2018 came and my mother called me letting me know that my father had asked for a divorce. But not long after ...

Hey guys, I know I have been MIA and lord so much has been going on around me. I have been through trying to conceive, actually getting pregnant, and now I am a mother of a beautiful baby girl. So I am know you are wondering how it all happened and what is going on; I guess I will start from the beginning and yes I have some mental health things that I have dealt with a long the way. So here's how everything happened, I have always wanted to be a mother and experience the journey of carrying a child because I have mentioned before I am a bonus mom, which I love being. But from that it still had me desiring more than just that; so my wife and I went on the hunt to become a mother. With all that I did a lot of research and found the greatest donor to help make this dream come true. But with that came some complications because in the process of trying to do all this I had a death in the family in more than one way. Death one was my parent's marriage (which is an entry of it...

Soo have you ever felt like you need so many mental health days that you cannot find the time for. Man, I am going to let you in on a little secret; that's where I am at right now. I mean I have been breaking down so much that has gone on in my life these past few months and now I am seeing things I did not allow myself to see before. It's like having blinders removed from my eyes, mind, and heart; I have been really seeking to see the people around me for who they really are. Sometimes you should be careful and mentally ready for what you ask for. I have been breaking down how I have been functioning in friendships and how people in friendships with me have been functioning; I'm starting to notice a major difference with a lot of friends. It's crazy to me though because they way I treat people is exactly how I wished people would treat me. But sadly, a lot of my "Friends" are selfish human beings; which brings me to why I needed another mental health day. ...

Dealing with mental health is something a lot of people do not get into; especially when they know that they are dealing with real mental things. For instance, you had a death in your family, the way you saw your childhood has shifted, and a lot of your important relationships change forever; but instead of processing how it's affecting you and what you think about any of it you push it to the back burner. But one day, it will catch up to you and you will burn out bigger than you realize. Which kind of brings me to why I am writing this blog... Recently, I have been going through so many different things that I have yet to begin to process how I am feeling or what I think about all that's happening around me. I lost a loved one that means a lot to me recently, I have some shifts happening in my friendships and important relationships, and things are surfacing about my childhood that I am getting confirmation on. I think all in all emotionally I am fighting a battle to stay p...

So I got this really heart wrenching phone call from my mother on November 5th, yes last Monday, about my Uncle Reggie passing away. Man, hearing the way my mother sobbed and feeling the breathlessness I felt made this nightmare a reality. You know I only have 2 uncles, one that I could talk noise with and knew he would be spitting it right back and one that was You, Uncle Reggie, who listened and heard me out before trying to get defensive. Either way, everyone knows how much I love you and your brother. But back to what, I was saying; I cannot believe that I will not get those random Facebook calls from you and see all the random messages from you telling me everything I have been missing. We talked like brother and sister even though at times you acted as my dad and not my Uncle lol. You were very protective of me and my mom, you were an amazing dad, and you truly were a great man. I am sitting here days after your homegoing service and I cannot wrap my head around the fact t...

You ever think about what really bothers you when you get upset? You ever search to see why you get upset so easily? Yea I never did either until I noticed that looking in the mirror at myself was hard for me to do and also because I started to get into a violent rage and I started to pick up coping habits that were unhealthy for me a long the way. So after all the commotion that happened because of my sexuality my life went down a very destructive path. I drank just because it was in front of me and I was one that could drink for hours. I would burst into tears because of my emotions and my anger, then things would get scary. I remember one time I was so mad about something very stupid and I wanted to fight, but the person I took it out on was not the person that caused my anger or my pain. I began to flip out and say very hurtful things, plus I got very aggressive. Before I know it I had put my hands on someone that I said I loved and would never hurt. I allowed my anger to consu...