My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

 After releasing so much heavy stuff you have to get yourself back to a place of love, peace, and appreciation of how far you have come. In healing it gets so heavy that at times we forget the beauty in who were are and how great life has been besides those moments that brought us so much pain.  Appreciation seems to be something that a lot of people have a hard time with especially when needing to express it to others and ourselves. We forget to appreciate what we have done, overcome, and even accomplished in life; because we have been conditioned that it's not important to show love to oneself or those around for what they have done. Well that is wrong thinking because truthfully we need that recharge from within and around to help us do better and to keep going. Lately in my own personal journey, I realized that I have not been recharging myself or even giving myself that type of appreciation that is needed that I know that I am doing a great job and to keep pushing. So I m...

 I have been really dreading having to write this and really talk about some stuff that I have been through that I have yet to release. I have faced so many things in life that sometimes I forget that I am no longer that person, but at the same time I have to truly and honestly forgive that person. I sometimes still feel the hurt of things I feel like I caused in my life and even though I have healed from it I still seem to get emotional or hurt behind it because I need to release it all. So I am just warning you this will be a VERY LONG release. I honestly do not know where to begin, because anywhere I start I feel it will be heavier than what I want it to be and I am going to honestly be balling my eyes out because I really need all this off of me. So I am going to start from the beginning... I need to release the feelings of anger and hatred toward two of my cousins who literally took my innocence from me and made me feel that sex is not a thing of pleasure or for desire, it's a...

Grief is something that has been hard for me to process and I have held on to the hurt for many years. I have experienced some really hard deaths in my life, but there were 3 that were life changing for me. I never thought the fact of me holding on to these deaths would have affected me the way they have; but truthfully they have. Death 1: My Granny Granny, Ira Mae Davis My granny granny literally was my world, she was there for all my hurt, and she loved me through my pain. She was the one person that always knew just what I needed to hear and she was the woman who taught me that God is truly the only one to fear. I have the greatest memories with my great grandmother, it was like she was my first best friend. I know that the woman I am today is because of her, I learned about God, cooking, cleaning, and even how to be strong and make it through whatever I face. I cried to my granny about life, my parents, and just because; so when things in her health took I turn my life took a turn....

 Many people in life deal with having issues with their father, but a lot of those people deal with them because that individual was not presence or whatever their story may be; but for myself my father was there, I just feel I was never wanted by him. It's hard to grow up around a man and watch him love, cherish, and adore your siblings, but act as if you are a burden, don't exist, and do not deserve love. I have so many childhood memories that bring hurt, pain, and anger to my forefront that now I am realizing I need to release all of it.  My relationship with my father did not start off ideal for many reasons; he was an alcoholic. He drank more than anything in life and it was something he could not control on any level, so I thought; he enjoyed being away from the house and family more than anything. My dad never really built a bond with me that honestly I felt all little girls want and deserve. I do not have that kind of relationship with him and my siblings, well my brot...

 The title in itself is deeper than most will truly realize and might not understand that this post will be an open letter between me and myself because this is some serious baggage I must release. You ever just know something is going to be heavy before you sit down to talk about it, so you try to avoid it; well this right here is that topic and conversation for me. But as always, I am completely transparent and will be even more so tonight. So let me start this off by saying that for many years I have not truly and honestly loved myself; I did not know what that even meant until recently. I would be the first person to cut myself down before someone else could and I learned this behavior from my father because that is literally all he would do to me. He would talk about my weight, my intelligence, and my hair, oh and let me not forget he would talk about how bright I am as well.  My father would call me chubby even if I was small, which I soon developed body dysmorphia issue...

In my last blog I said that I would open up about something I normally would keep to myself, but in this process of release I am realizing that this something I need to let go of for real. So today I am about to have a very raw and vulnerable moment, something that I try to do often but today I feel it might be the deepest I have gone in awhile. I have noticed that I have a fear of a lot of things, but the most powerful fear I had is/was the fear of allowing someone to give me what I deserve. I lately realized that I am AFRAID of being loved properly because I feel that once people see my flaws or the imperfect me they will no longer want me. I have noticed that I become very timid and withdrawn when people desire me the way I desire them or if they express and show they have real deep feelings for me; I have been having a hard time trying to figure out why I push people away when I know people really are feeling me.  I am so use to people neglecting me that when someone pays close...

 So I have been going through a releasing process lately and yesterday I realized that in my life I have allowed a lot things I should not have, which caused me to get upset with myself all over again. I immediately stopped myself but then I thought I have a lot to be released so today I will start with part 1 of it all. For many years, I have been the "fall back plan", someone's "Plan B", or even been a second rate option in friendships, relationships, and even family. I have allowed those that told me they love/loved me to always put me on a shelf and just pick me up when they need something from me. I was never the main girl of choice which really was something that many never knew affected me because I allowed this to shrink my self esteem.  With family, I noticed that when it came to doing things, wanting things, or needing things I was last thought of especially when it came to my father. I was never included and I was never wanted around, but when it came...