My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

 Today, this post will be a lot more personal because I have something that I want to get out and honestly talk about. I feel that in life when we are going through our challenges with our mental health we are not very open about what's really going on because we never want people to judge or more on the scary side have someone call to have you Baker Acted or committed for those that do not know what that is honestly. So today, I am going to take you on a journey of what I call my "Intrusive Thoughts" while also talking about someone that I honestly am grateful for everyday outside of my daughter. So lets get real transparent... So for as long as I can remember I have had my "Intrusive Thoughts" that I am really not a fan of because they are some thoughts are in my "Dark Place" but they come anytime of day. I can be driving my car and I will think "Drive into oncoming traffic", "Drive off the side of this freeway", "If that sem...

Man, it's been forever since I came in this blog and just wrote down my feelings and talked through the many thoughts in my head. When I say many thoughts, I mean many thoughts going on in my mind because baby, life has been life-in. Where do I begin.... I really do not know how I have gone this long without sitting down and writing out my thoughts and emotions. So let's begin... So last time I checked in I was talking about accepting my daughter having autism and how I was processing all that. Well I want you to know that I have accepted it fully, and let's be clear that I was always getting my daughter all the help she needed to be successful before they said anything about autism. So it was never me not getting her help and being in denial, it was more of me understanding that my advocacy for my child had to be a lot more and deeper because I will be the only one that can get her what she needs in life. So in that area, my daughter is getting better and saying more words...

So back in November of last year, I got some information/news that would knock any parent down because it's not easy to hear, but for me it almost took me to my dark place. Let me be honest, I still struggle on a regular with my depression and anxiety, that is not something that just goes away. Some days are better than others and some days, I promise you SURVIVING is extremely hard to do in general. But back to what I was saying about this new information that I received. For those have been year awhile, you all know that I have a daughter who is now 4 years old. I never really explained a lot about my daughter because I honestly was in denial about a lot of stuff dealing with her development, but now I feel that what I have been going through and this journey could possibly help someone. So anyways, my daughter has some developmental issues or concerns, that I noticed early on; I brought it up to her pediatrician and was told it was nothing to be concerned with. Well fast forward...

 I feel like I do not even know how to navigate this blog anymore it's been that long. But hey, did you miss me? I know I have missed this. I have so much to talk about because in the past year life has been life and it got overwhelming. But let me start downloading, just so you are wonder this will be a long entry... So let's start from the beginning, when I last wrote in here I expressed a lot about so much going on in my personal and love life; well i got major updates on that plus I had a mini stroke in May of 2023. Yes, you read that right, I had a mini stroke which was caused by a lot of stress and being overwhelmed from work and life. I was in middle of finishing my Master's, working full time at a school, and being a single mom (which I got some updates on that journey, but that's a blog of it's own). My stroke was a big eye opener for the fact that I honestly had lost control of how I handle my stress and that I really needed to rethink if I wanted to be a ...

Anxiety, oh boy anxiety... I have been dealing with so much anxiety and having an overwhelming feeling. I honestly can tell you that lately I do not know if I am coming or going because my mind is racing all over the place. I have really never realized how much a lot of stress and anxiety could cause me to lose it but MY GOODNESS!! So between work and my mental I have become overly anxious and I have no real clue what I thought started, but I think I know what kept it going. I have been really hating being apart of the games people play and for some reason I have become apart of a game that someone is playing. I mean I have become apart of this double standard and this weird triangle that I am not feeling at all.  I have sat back and overthought so much and most people find that overthinking is a bad thing but for me, it leads me to clarity. It leads me to what has kept me up and it shows me things that I probably would not have noticed if I was not paying close attention. I love t...

It's been awhile since I wrote and it's because I have been really busy processing emotions, work, school, and mom life. It's crazy how in time so many things come to light and you get so much clarity; and to be honest that is what has been going on for me. You see I close myself off a lot and I trauma bond with people without even realizing it; I am starting to see the error in my ways on the trauma bonding with people. Recently, I have been really allowing myself to feel all my emotions dealing with many different traumatic situations that I have never honestly dealt with. The most traumatic things in my life is losing my best friend and my uncles; BUT I think my best friend was the toughest. Recently, his brother has been communicating with me more and going down memory lane; reminiscing things that I pushed down in many ways. I guess because I never wanted to honestly admit that losing him felt like losing apart of me. He was the only person I could talk to in any mood ...

So many things have been going through my mind, like different observations about things I notice that I honestly never processed the way I am now. For instance, I have been thinking about states of mind I have been in when I have slipped into deep depressions or when I have gone into my distancing myself mode. Like have you ever sat back and really looked into why you were thinking the negative or always blaming yourself for things that truthfully probably was not really your fault or was just overthinking the situation and pushed yourself off the edge? Well, I think that I have because today in my mind I keep replaying the thoughts of being not worthy of love. Yes I said I have been thinking about the thoughts I have had about not being worthy of love. What's wild to me about the thought process I am having now is that I am seeing that I put myself in the rabbit hole of depression behind that. Because if I am honest no one told me I was not worth of love, I told myself that becau...