My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

 So yesterday I started talking about releasing and how it is a good thing for your mental and to help you get things in order for your healing and your process. Today, I am going to go into detail on release on a personal level for myself. This past weekend I spent a good majority of it saging myself and my surroundings because the energy was off and it was really starting to way on me in the worst way. I found myself with a massive headache, not being able to shake it, and then Sunday I emotionally broke in the worst way. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably and that led to an anxiety attack in the worst way. So let me allow myself to explain.. I have always dealt with feeling like I was unwanted, unloved, abandoned, and rejected by the ONLY man that I have ever really loved. Most of my issues stemmed from my childhood, but it got worse because as I got older it seemed like he showed me more and more how little he cared about me. My mental health issues and body dysmorphia issue...

Today started off way too rough for me and I literally fell apart. I had a breakdown that I really did not know where from and why now; but I can tell you it was a deep and sorrowful cry. I know I have been on this healing journey and I have been doing this journey very publicly because that's the way I was lead to do it, being that others can see whatever they face they can overcome. Well today, I will be honest felt like a day that the negative was going to win, and I mean beat me up and win win. I had no desire of doing anything at all today, because the life was sucked out of me before I even woke up this morning. It's like I woke up fighting a battle that I was set up to lose. But I guess the enemy forget who i was because I did for a second. I worked out thinking that would help me, it did until I hit my house and I felt the combative energy I walked into. I had been trying not to allow it to affect me, but it hit me so hard that I lost it. And all I felt was the burning ...

Lately, I have been dealing with the emotional aftermath of publicly healing. This has been harder than I thought especially reliving moments I personally have tried to forget. I cannot believe how much lighter it made me feel, but yet I then realized that I had not done one key thing; and that was FORGIVE ME. Yes, I said I had not forgiven me, you might ask why would I need to forgive myself; well because after reliving my life I started to see how upset I was at myself for putting myself through somethings I could have avoided. If we are being honest with ourselves there are times we look back at things we go through and get upset at oneself for not preventing that or feeling like we allowed things that we never would have allowed in other time. So for the past few days, that had been me; I literally spazzed on my personal facebook because I legit was so upset and could not realize who or why I really was mad. Then it hit me, I was/am mad at myself. Granted, most of things I went...

We started the current year and most of my focus has been on my child and school, but this year started off really rocky. The hurt I experienced in the first two months of this put a nail in the coffin on what I knew it was time for me to just heal and move on. January was an okay month but we were dealing with being parents; but it got real sour in February. She calls me one day with her mind made up on what she was going to do but made it seem like she was calling to discuss things with me. She basically was like I know we made plans but my mom needs me so our plans are cancelled and it is what it is. As you may have seen there is a pattern here; she is quick to put other people before me and I am always secondary. She made me feel crazy for feeling some type of way about it, she did not try to see it through my perspective, and she literally just shut down and acted like my feelings did not matter. As time went on things went from bad to worse, because things started to shift sh...

The new year is here, I found a sorority I was thinking about joining. For many years I have wanted to be apart of greek life and in that moment I felt like it was a sign for me to do something new. I did, and at first I was supported, but then all that shifted especially when I was developing bonds with sisters. It was like a resistance I did not understand. But let's get into some other things that happen in the midst of that. My aunt died and there was no empathy or support sent my way. She acted as if I never said anything about that and went on with life as normal. I crossed into the sorority, there was no celebration; just questions on why they bought you so much stuff, the moment that becomes too much you will leave. Time goes on and we finally moved into our own space, and I was so happy because then I thought things would be different, but sadly I was wrong. Even being in our own space, there were still things that would happen that I would be like really? For instance...

Well as I said in the last blog, I entered my insanity by marrying my last entanglement. Was that what I thought who I'd marry? Honestly, no... But let me lay it out for you on what I wanted, what I got, but now I realize somethings are coming to light. So growing up, I always wanted to get married, be a mother, and be a successful business owner; I thought marriage was something that is beautiful and should be sacred. I would imagine what my proposal would be like, how my engagement party would, my wedding colors, and what kind of wedding dress I would pick out. I dreamed of this most of my young adult years, but how things went was nothing like what I imagined or dreamed. Well I started back talking to her at the beginning at 2016, I set back and listened to how I was not the secondary but the main. I believed all that and we started dating again.... may have not been the smartest thing I have ever done. We had monthly baecations but all along she was still living with the gi...

Well as I ended my last blog, I mentioned that I had an entanglement that I got myself involved in; which was a lot deeper than most may know. So I am going to start this off with saying I have been in multiple entanglements in my lifetime, but I only have 3 that made an impact on my life in many different ways. But first, an entanglement is  a complicated or compromising relationship or situation. Seeing the definition really brings back some memories of somethings I might not be very proud of but I did it, so here goes some more transparency. First entanglement came about while I was dating this one female and she introduced me to her crew of friends; she did not realize that all of them were snakes and really did not care for her at all. But anyways, she went out of town with one that she called her best friend (whom honestly had the biggest crush on me), while out of town she kissed someone else. Her "best friend", who told her I would never find out, ended up calling...