My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

 The title in itself is deeper than most will truly realize and might not understand that this post will be an open letter between me and myself because this is some serious baggage I must release. You ever just know something is going to be heavy before you sit down to talk about it, so you try to avoid it; well this right here is that topic and conversation for me. But as always, I am completely transparent and will be even more so tonight. So let me start this off by saying that for many years I have not truly and honestly loved myself; I did not know what that even meant until recently. I would be the first person to cut myself down before someone else could and I learned this behavior from my father because that is literally all he would do to me. He would talk about my weight, my intelligence, and my hair, oh and let me not forget he would talk about how bright I am as well.  My father would call me chubby even if I was small, which I soon developed body dysmorphia issue...

In my last blog I said that I would open up about something I normally would keep to myself, but in this process of release I am realizing that this something I need to let go of for real. So today I am about to have a very raw and vulnerable moment, something that I try to do often but today I feel it might be the deepest I have gone in awhile. I have noticed that I have a fear of a lot of things, but the most powerful fear I had is/was the fear of allowing someone to give me what I deserve. I lately realized that I am AFRAID of being loved properly because I feel that once people see my flaws or the imperfect me they will no longer want me. I have noticed that I become very timid and withdrawn when people desire me the way I desire them or if they express and show they have real deep feelings for me; I have been having a hard time trying to figure out why I push people away when I know people really are feeling me.  I am so use to people neglecting me that when someone pays close...

 So I have been going through a releasing process lately and yesterday I realized that in my life I have allowed a lot things I should not have, which caused me to get upset with myself all over again. I immediately stopped myself but then I thought I have a lot to be released so today I will start with part 1 of it all. For many years, I have been the "fall back plan", someone's "Plan B", or even been a second rate option in friendships, relationships, and even family. I have allowed those that told me they love/loved me to always put me on a shelf and just pick me up when they need something from me. I was never the main girl of choice which really was something that many never knew affected me because I allowed this to shrink my self esteem.  With family, I noticed that when it came to doing things, wanting things, or needing things I was last thought of especially when it came to my father. I was never included and I was never wanted around, but when it came...

 So yesterday I started talking about releasing and how it is a good thing for your mental and to help you get things in order for your healing and your process. Today, I am going to go into detail on release on a personal level for myself. This past weekend I spent a good majority of it saging myself and my surroundings because the energy was off and it was really starting to way on me in the worst way. I found myself with a massive headache, not being able to shake it, and then Sunday I emotionally broke in the worst way. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably and that led to an anxiety attack in the worst way. So let me allow myself to explain.. I have always dealt with feeling like I was unwanted, unloved, abandoned, and rejected by the ONLY man that I have ever really loved. Most of my issues stemmed from my childhood, but it got worse because as I got older it seemed like he showed me more and more how little he cared about me. My mental health issues and body dysmorphia issue...

Today started off way too rough for me and I literally fell apart. I had a breakdown that I really did not know where from and why now; but I can tell you it was a deep and sorrowful cry. I know I have been on this healing journey and I have been doing this journey very publicly because that's the way I was lead to do it, being that others can see whatever they face they can overcome. Well today, I will be honest felt like a day that the negative was going to win, and I mean beat me up and win win. I had no desire of doing anything at all today, because the life was sucked out of me before I even woke up this morning. It's like I woke up fighting a battle that I was set up to lose. But I guess the enemy forget who i was because I did for a second. I worked out thinking that would help me, it did until I hit my house and I felt the combative energy I walked into. I had been trying not to allow it to affect me, but it hit me so hard that I lost it. And all I felt was the burning ...

Lately, I have been dealing with the emotional aftermath of publicly healing. This has been harder than I thought especially reliving moments I personally have tried to forget. I cannot believe how much lighter it made me feel, but yet I then realized that I had not done one key thing; and that was FORGIVE ME. Yes, I said I had not forgiven me, you might ask why would I need to forgive myself; well because after reliving my life I started to see how upset I was at myself for putting myself through somethings I could have avoided. If we are being honest with ourselves there are times we look back at things we go through and get upset at oneself for not preventing that or feeling like we allowed things that we never would have allowed in other time. So for the past few days, that had been me; I literally spazzed on my personal facebook because I legit was so upset and could not realize who or why I really was mad. Then it hit me, I was/am mad at myself. Granted, most of things I went...

We started the current year and most of my focus has been on my child and school, but this year started off really rocky. The hurt I experienced in the first two months of this put a nail in the coffin on what I knew it was time for me to just heal and move on. January was an okay month but we were dealing with being parents; but it got real sour in February. She calls me one day with her mind made up on what she was going to do but made it seem like she was calling to discuss things with me. She basically was like I know we made plans but my mom needs me so our plans are cancelled and it is what it is. As you may have seen there is a pattern here; she is quick to put other people before me and I am always secondary. She made me feel crazy for feeling some type of way about it, she did not try to see it through my perspective, and she literally just shut down and acted like my feelings did not matter. As time went on things went from bad to worse, because things started to shift sh...