My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

For many years I have always felt not good enough and would allow that mindset to really get me down. I mean I always felt like "the toy on the shelf" and that people only took me off when they wanted something from me, for me to do something for them, and/or wanted to have sex with me. I know this mindset sounds really crazy, but I really feel that people look at me like that.  Lately, I have been feeling this way especially after a had a heart to heart with a friend of mine and I realized that I have been "the toy on the shelf" for many people in my life past and a few present day. I do not know why that is where I exist with some people. I guess it's because I allow it, yes I can own the fact that I literally allowed a lot of this behavior, now I do not know why I allowed it.  For some reason, people like to say they have all these feelings for me, but only show those feelings when it is convenient for them and not because they want to show that they really a...

Writing makes me feel so much better some days and then other writing makes me feel worse. It's like I am writing out my feelings and then feelings that I did not think I was feeling but subconsciously I am hurting. Sometimes the words escape from my body as I start to type about one subject and then it's like my brain releases thoughts I never realized were really there. I am in a transition period, you know like when you exit from one part, but you in the hallway trying to get ready for the next chapter, that's where I am right now. And this in the hallway period has been completely hard sometimes because there is so much that I have held on to over the past 34 years that I have been living. I have been really looking into all the things that I have been holding on to and I have been crying a lot (Just know I hate crying).  So yesterday, I got the court date for my divorce and it had my head in a tailspin because I am still angry about somethings. Funny thing, I am not ma...

You know lately I have been feeling kind of heavy and I do not know if it's because of what I have been healing from lately and for the past to nights I have been just crying. You know for a second I thought it was because my cycle was coming (TMI I know sorry) but then I just realized that it's a lot that is held inside of me; it's time for me to do an inventory. Here we go... Dear Jessica, You know it's crazy how you are sitting in your room crying right now and typing a letter to yourself because deep down you are very hurt by some decisions that you have made in your life. It's crazy that you sit back somedays and you getting angry with yourself because of the expectations you put on yourself. You allowed so many people to take advantage of you, berate you and you just acted like it was okay; but truthfully sat in your room and cried day in and day out because you never felt good enough. I remember a time when you were generally happy but something happened and ...

I have been processing that date for the past few days because I have been plagued with a thought that has me really wondering what happened that day. I think I have to be honest I really do not think that it was an accident at all. I have been processing so much going on lately and now I must break this day down to the fullest; here goes nothing... The day before my birthday started like any other day, I got up and went to get a facial done by a "so called" friend for free. She thought she would treat me to that and I was excited about it. I spent a few hours there, then I went to my house to get ready to go bowling. I was feeling weird that day because I was trying to force myself to be excited about my birthday but I was not really excited at all. My birthday weekend has not been something that I have really wanted to celebrate lately because of the fact that I was proposed to on that weekend by the person I am now divorcing. I find that I dread that weekend even though it...

So much been going on the last few days and I have been so busy with school, working out, and even some other things I have been focusing on; I almost missed the opportunity to write about somethings that I have realized about myself. Its been a lot I have had processing in my mind since I started this healing journey and I have been doing my best not to get overwhelmed with emotion.  I have had so much revealed to me in the past two weeks of this new year; plus I am finally doing the much needed work to heal and be real honest with myself. This journey I have been on with myself as been very tough one lately because of my sensitive but some of the lessons that have been coming back around have hurt a little more this time. It is crazy how the universe will bring a lesson back up to see if you will handle it different or would you still do the whole avoidance thing...  Have you ever sat down to start doing an inventory (shadow work) and the first name that comes to mind that y...

Disclaimer: All that will be shared does not mean this is my here and now, but it is some realness about me that I am finally ready to talk about...  Talking has always been something I have been afraid of because in most cases it never really helped me for the better, I mean in most cases it made me feel worse (until recent years). I am being told that I should talk more because it really is a good thing to do, but in my mind I still feel what good is it doing me; I am going to try it right now, talk openly and freely about things I am processing in this moment and time. I wrote about Toxic Love and how I realized that I was giving myself Toxic Love so I am just as bad as everyone else in my life; in my head all day today I have been processing the thoughts that one blog triggered. All the things that popped up in my mind I never really thought back on and its more so because I did not want to admit that deep inside I am angry with myself for so many different things. Its like my ...

So I had the most emotionally awakening weekends and that brought me to my definition/fear of love and being loved. I never realized until now that how I view love is tied into the daddy issues I have. Its crazy though how this was pointed out in the midst of me finally allowing myself to see him as a person and releasing the emotions on top of cutting ties. Love that I have received in my life has come with a lot of conditions, like people loved me with conditions on it and it was like the person I am was not good enough for them. There were times that I would change everything about me for the people around me to receive their love or accept the different type of (what I now know) abuse from them because I craved love. I am a really sensitive person I realized lately, I really do not like talking about my emotions or being vulnerable but tonight I feel I gotta get this out of my brain so here goes nothing... I crave to be loved in a manner that I had never experienced, crazy thing is...