My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

I realized that over the years I have allowed people to say that I am important but not really show me that I am important. It was like I was building one sided friendships and one sided relationships period with people, that now when people match or double my energy I do not know how to handle or take it.  Like I know everyone has lives and most people are busy very often, but I refuse to believe that you do not have time just to check in on someone or even just say hello. A simple text message goes a long way for some people because communication is key and that means you are showing them they were thought of; so many people take these things for granted, but wonder why people sometimes will back away from them in general you know.  For me, I have given a lot of me to people show them their importance in my life and how much I care of them, just for me to not get that in return and then get mad at me if I start to match their energy. It's like I have to text you all the time...

Opening up to people has been a challenge for the past few years because I find that the ability to be raw with someone has been the hardest thing for me. Talking about my past traumas, my hurts, and my brokenness is not something that I find myself wanting to do because for so many years people have used my truth as a weapon against me.  Let me explain, I use to be open at one point, then one day certain people started to throw all my past and my hurt in my face causing me not to want to talk about anything anymore. It brought me to a place that made me feel like vulnerability was not something that I wanted any part of; it actually created the vault that I love to put everything in and just shut down. No shutting down is not the greatest thing to do but being that I have been doing it for so long I find it easier that way. So I am at a point now, where I have someone that wants me to be vulnerable and talk; I'm not going to lie some days it's really easy to do that but then o...

14 years in one place with one person, 5 years of it married, and a beautiful little girl... And here we are divorced.. It's crazy because this is a long time coming blog where I finally get all the emotions out that I feel about finalizing that chapter of my life.  Being married has always been a dream of mine, despite the things I grew up around I still felt like I wanted to be someone's wife and a mother. I had this big dream of when I was going to get married and how it would be; but in true life fashion my wedding was nothing like I thought or dreamed of it being. Maybe because I was not a very vocal person on what I want or maybe it was because I wanted to please my future spouse. Either way my wedding day, my marriage, and everything there after was not how I thought it would be. Here I am years later divorced and starting over, in the beginning of all this I was very broken, hurt, and lost; but that's to expected because we were together for so long, but TODAY I can...

I am sitting staring at a blank page, with a brain full of thoughts and emotions that I do not know if I can express anything in the moment because I am still stuck on the topic I was writing about the other day; you know "the toy on the shelf". It's crazy how that is lingering in my mind because I guess I have felt this way for many years.  You know you could also be a part of the problem, meaning that you could also be putting yourself on the shelf like you are only a toy. You know like neglecting your needs, your desires, and thinking that you are not worthy of certain things; and unfortunately I feel that is something that I have been doing to myself. You know I have felt unworthy of so many things in life, but recently I have realized that I am short changing myself.  But there is a bigger thing that goes along with this situation, which is the fact that I allow people to give me what they think I deserve instead of me knowing my worth and not just allowing certain t...

For many years I have always felt not good enough and would allow that mindset to really get me down. I mean I always felt like "the toy on the shelf" and that people only took me off when they wanted something from me, for me to do something for them, and/or wanted to have sex with me. I know this mindset sounds really crazy, but I really feel that people look at me like that.  Lately, I have been feeling this way especially after a had a heart to heart with a friend of mine and I realized that I have been "the toy on the shelf" for many people in my life past and a few present day. I do not know why that is where I exist with some people. I guess it's because I allow it, yes I can own the fact that I literally allowed a lot of this behavior, now I do not know why I allowed it.  For some reason, people like to say they have all these feelings for me, but only show those feelings when it is convenient for them and not because they want to show that they really a...

Writing makes me feel so much better some days and then other writing makes me feel worse. It's like I am writing out my feelings and then feelings that I did not think I was feeling but subconsciously I am hurting. Sometimes the words escape from my body as I start to type about one subject and then it's like my brain releases thoughts I never realized were really there. I am in a transition period, you know like when you exit from one part, but you in the hallway trying to get ready for the next chapter, that's where I am right now. And this in the hallway period has been completely hard sometimes because there is so much that I have held on to over the past 34 years that I have been living. I have been really looking into all the things that I have been holding on to and I have been crying a lot (Just know I hate crying).  So yesterday, I got the court date for my divorce and it had my head in a tailspin because I am still angry about somethings. Funny thing, I am not ma...

You know lately I have been feeling kind of heavy and I do not know if it's because of what I have been healing from lately and for the past to nights I have been just crying. You know for a second I thought it was because my cycle was coming (TMI I know sorry) but then I just realized that it's a lot that is held inside of me; it's time for me to do an inventory. Here we go... Dear Jessica, You know it's crazy how you are sitting in your room crying right now and typing a letter to yourself because deep down you are very hurt by some decisions that you have made in your life. It's crazy that you sit back somedays and you getting angry with yourself because of the expectations you put on yourself. You allowed so many people to take advantage of you, berate you and you just acted like it was okay; but truthfully sat in your room and cried day in and day out because you never felt good enough. I remember a time when you were generally happy but something happened and ...