My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

It's 2 days into the new year and I have been woken up out my sleep, by my anxiety and my overthinking thoughts. I have been trying to make myself calm my brain, but if I am being honest I must talk about being triggered by things that I will deny triggered me.. Yes I will deny that certain things trigger my insecurity, trigger my overthinking, and trigger me in general. Triggering is so REAL and I think it's time to really talk about it. I have been really thinking, but honestly overthinking a lot lately especially in the last few months of the year. I have been overthinking every relationship in my life.. yes every single one because of triggers that I am dealing with that no one will ever realize I mask. I do this thing of withdrawing from people and acting like it is normal. But on a serious note, let's talk about where overthinking actually stems from... Overthinking is a very hard to deal with and sometimes it can cause more problems than it helps; also it brings out ...

It's no longer December 31st.. It's officially new year and I am sitting in my bed reflecting. You know we all have stepped into a new year. Many people are probably getting ready to do their New Year Resolutions, family traditions, and even mentally getting ready for a new year. But do we ever reflect on our year and see what we accomplished along with what we still want to accomplish? Like in this moment, I am looking at what I want to do in 2025, but I have not really looked at what I have accomplished in 2024. It's like I have to give myself the reality check of I went through life, but I also have accomplished great things as well.... I feel 2024 was a year, not a bad year but yet it was not a great year either. So let's be real about starting the New Year and making unrealistic expectations for yourself not to be able to obtained. We as people do a thing ever year, where we make these resolutions that we honestly only stick to for a month or two. Why do we do that...

I woke up today and I had this thought process of why do people try to rush their healing process.. Like why do people think that there is a time limit on healing? And I am not just talking about regular healing, but I mean like grieving healing and healing from trauma.. I mean I have my own thoughts about healing as a whole and in parts, because I have had to do my own healing in life and there are somethings I know that I am still healing from. But in my mind, I sometimes find myself getting upset that I am still dealing with a hurt or I'm grieving my granny. For some context, my great grandmother passed away in 2011 and from that moment until now I have not seen life the same. Losing my granny, then a year later my great aunt my heart broke and my mental took a spiral; but inside I find myself upset that I am still dealing with this hurt. Sigh..  I do not know why but I think people have given so much grief on the fact that it's been 13 years, you should be over that and hav...

Man.. it's literally 3 days from Christmas and I do not know if I am even feeling it at this moment. I mean I love this holiday more than anything because I love giving gifts and seeing people smiling so big and bright..even them feeling the love because you have thought about them.. BUT I am not feeling that love right now, in some aspects not all. Maybe I need to process... let's do that... Christmas for me is a family holiday... it's one of those holidays where you decorate the tree together and then go look at Christmas lights; but this year it feels more like just another day nothing more and nothing less. I have really been noticing that this year, no holiday was special to me... I do not know if it was because I am no longer working or because it's this transition I'm going through in life. Ugh this transition.... I turned an odd number this year and I'm really hating when I turn odd numbers because weird things happen on those years. If you need examples...

You are probably like, "Why would she name this that?" Well because in my mind, I think about what the biggest lie is and to my non surprise that lie is "I'm okay"... Like honestly think about how many times you tell a person "I'm okay" when honestly you are nowhere near okay. So let's talk about it and how it relates to my right now..... So I will be honest, I am very prone to telling people "I'm okay", even when I do not even know how to locate okay or where it originates from. I have been broken and I mean really broken up inside, but if someone asks "I'm okay".. why do we do this as people? Why do we feel that we do not need people or that we need to act like we are stronger than we are? I cannot answer for others but I can answer for myself.  In life, we have people that are family that we do not choose and we have people that we do get to choose which is the friends or family we create. Well in the process of g...

 I know y'all probably looking at the title like you writing about HIM again, but hey this is my blog and my process... so yes I am writing about HIM again.. I know the last post I talked about the safe feeling I get from HIM, but honestly it's more to it than just feeling safe. I know y'all are looking at this like you make this sound so perfect like you have not felt any pain from this person; but if I say that I would be lying. So I am going to talk about how I knew HIM is the one for me and why truthfully, I only see the good. In life you have relationships and people that you can move on and live without; but then there are the ones you cannot live without. So HIM is that person, I KNOW I cannot live without... Yes I know because with everything that we have faced together and apart, this has still been my source of peace. In the midst of the chaos, I had to silence everyone around me because sometimes you will think that people have your best interest but truthfully t...

Trying to process while emotional is something that I do not suggest anyone to do, but yeah here I am doing it because guess what... this is all I know to do... So let's get into what's in my head... I did not really get much sleep last night and I honestly started crying today because I am honestly drained and I mean really drained. I feel like everyone is pulling from me and I have nothing left to give, like nothing I can support with or even pour from. I literally give and give of myself until I have nothing.. but then somehow I still continue to give. My well has been malfunctioning for months now and I honestly feel like people, well some people, I thought that would notice have not noticed a thing. If I dive deeper into my world, I can tell you that I have been battling my depression, my seasonal depression, and my anxiety. I have been really struggling and I mean struggling.. But I feel that no one has really asked about that or even cared about the things I have been fa...