My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

Hey y'all, I know 2 blogs in one day girl you must have a lot on your mind... Yes yes I do.. As you can see the title of this blog, I am going to make some going to talk about some real ugly truths I am dealing with. You never realize some of things that you are dealing with until you start unpacking other things and then you have to look closely at other aspects. In my world, I have protected a lot of people and things that I shouldn't have because were that honestly protecting me? The answer to that question is no from my prospective, but hey those who were involved may feel they did their best at the time. Let me be clear, everything I talk about in this post is my truth and it's freeing me to write it out and let it go. So with that being said, let me set the scene for this ugly truth. Some years ago, I put myself in a position where I was tormented in a manner that is completely unacceptable to do to anyone; all over someone not wanting their truth to come to light. I ...

Hey y'all, I have been really going through and dealing with a lot of emotions while navigating this thing that people call forgiveness. I mean lets be completely real forgiving anyone is hard and I mean hard business but having to forgive yourself... OMG that's on another level of HARD! The level of HARD this journey has been is crazy because I have so much that I made myself face recently. Facing myself, I have to be honest that recently I had to take a hard look at two very personal relationships that I have held close for some years. One of the people has gone on to glory and I am mourning in two different ways.. the person I thought she was in life before she left this Earth and the person she actually was that I have to forgive after she has left this Earth. I ask myself so many times did she really care anything about me the way she was able to turn on me so quickly with someone else I thought was my "Friend/sister" because in all honesty who does something lik...

I know I have been putting out a lot of things to think about forgiveness, but I have also given myself the thought process of how I need to change things for myself. Well today I feel like I am going to go into a deeper place that may bring so much more things to the surface that some may not be ready for.  Forgiveness has you going through all the emotions and making you really see that at times holding to things may not be worth; but at the same time it takes a lot of time to get to a place of honestly wanting to let go. When dealing with life you have to find ways to truly be kind and loving to yourself in the process or journey because then you are opening the gate for you to have to forgive yourself for things. We all face the different hurts and habits, but we seem to make it worse over time because we do not take care of us.  Understanding that being kind to yourself and loving yourself through the tough parts will help you in the long haul of this uncomfortable proces...

Hey.. let's jump right back into this forgiveness talk because after my last post, I honestly cannot get certain things off my mind regarding the effects of not forgiving. I know that this is a hard process for many of us and honestly it has been a hard process for myself because I have been unpacking so much with this. So come on a journey with me... So in this part of the conversation, I am finding that I have spent a good amount of my life responding to a lot of things that happened to me from a trauma filled place. For instance, any hurt that has happened to me at any point in my life has brought me back to a trauma that has nothing to do with the situation at hand. I realized that a lot of my abandonment and rejection trauma is from unforgiveness from my childhood. Yes, I did say its stemming from not forgiving people from my childhood. In my childhood, I can go back to a time where all the rejection issues came and feeling abandoned; now when I break it all down I realize it ...

Hey y'all, I have been thinking a lot lately on forgiveness and how we all operate with it. Like do we honestly forgive people when they apologize, do we move on from it, or is the reason that we are more reactive then understanding... I pose all these different thoughts because I have been reading a book "Forgiving What You Cannot Forget" and my eyes have been opened because there are things that I have never realized about what forgiveness really means compared to how I actually forgive.. Let me clarify what I mean.. For most people, including myself, I find that I will accept people's apologies but I do not know if I really forgive them. For example: someone may apologize for cheating on me and I will accept the apology, claim to have forgiven them, BUT the next time we argue or they do something I bring up the fact they cheated. I HAVE NOT FORGIVEN THEM... When you truly forgive a person, you do not live in that moment or throw that back in someone's face or b...

It's 2 days into the new year and I have been woken up out my sleep, by my anxiety and my overthinking thoughts. I have been trying to make myself calm my brain, but if I am being honest I must talk about being triggered by things that I will deny triggered me.. Yes I will deny that certain things trigger my insecurity, trigger my overthinking, and trigger me in general. Triggering is so REAL and I think it's time to really talk about it. I have been really thinking, but honestly overthinking a lot lately especially in the last few months of the year. I have been overthinking every relationship in my life.. yes every single one because of triggers that I am dealing with that no one will ever realize I mask. I do this thing of withdrawing from people and acting like it is normal. But on a serious note, let's talk about where overthinking actually stems from... Overthinking is a very hard to deal with and sometimes it can cause more problems than it helps; also it brings out ...

It's no longer December 31st.. It's officially new year and I am sitting in my bed reflecting. You know we all have stepped into a new year. Many people are probably getting ready to do their New Year Resolutions, family traditions, and even mentally getting ready for a new year. But do we ever reflect on our year and see what we accomplished along with what we still want to accomplish? Like in this moment, I am looking at what I want to do in 2025, but I have not really looked at what I have accomplished in 2024. It's like I have to give myself the reality check of I went through life, but I also have accomplished great things as well.... I feel 2024 was a year, not a bad year but yet it was not a great year either. So let's be real about starting the New Year and making unrealistic expectations for yourself not to be able to obtained. We as people do a thing ever year, where we make these resolutions that we honestly only stick to for a month or two. Why do we do that...

I woke up today and I had this thought process of why do people try to rush their healing process.. Like why do people think that there is a time limit on healing? And I am not just talking about regular healing, but I mean like grieving healing and healing from trauma.. I mean I have my own thoughts about healing as a whole and in parts, because I have had to do my own healing in life and there are somethings I know that I am still healing from. But in my mind, I sometimes find myself getting upset that I am still dealing with a hurt or I'm grieving my granny. For some context, my great grandmother passed away in 2011 and from that moment until now I have not seen life the same. Losing my granny, then a year later my great aunt my heart broke and my mental took a spiral; but inside I find myself upset that I am still dealing with this hurt. Sigh..  I do not know why but I think people have given so much grief on the fact that it's been 13 years, you should be over that and hav...

Man.. it's literally 3 days from Christmas and I do not know if I am even feeling it at this moment. I mean I love this holiday more than anything because I love giving gifts and seeing people smiling so big and bright..even them feeling the love because you have thought about them.. BUT I am not feeling that love right now, in some aspects not all. Maybe I need to process... let's do that... Christmas for me is a family holiday... it's one of those holidays where you decorate the tree together and then go look at Christmas lights; but this year it feels more like just another day nothing more and nothing less. I have really been noticing that this year, no holiday was special to me... I do not know if it was because I am no longer working or because it's this transition I'm going through in life. Ugh this transition.... I turned an odd number this year and I'm really hating when I turn odd numbers because weird things happen on those years. If you need examples...

You are probably like, "Why would she name this that?" Well because in my mind, I think about what the biggest lie is and to my non surprise that lie is "I'm okay"... Like honestly think about how many times you tell a person "I'm okay" when honestly you are nowhere near okay. So let's talk about it and how it relates to my right now..... So I will be honest, I am very prone to telling people "I'm okay", even when I do not even know how to locate okay or where it originates from. I have been broken and I mean really broken up inside, but if someone asks "I'm okay".. why do we do this as people? Why do we feel that we do not need people or that we need to act like we are stronger than we are? I cannot answer for others but I can answer for myself.  In life, we have people that are family that we do not choose and we have people that we do get to choose which is the friends or family we create. Well in the process of g...

 I know y'all probably looking at the title like you writing about HIM again, but hey this is my blog and my process... so yes I am writing about HIM again.. I know the last post I talked about the safe feeling I get from HIM, but honestly it's more to it than just feeling safe. I know y'all are looking at this like you make this sound so perfect like you have not felt any pain from this person; but if I say that I would be lying. So I am going to talk about how I knew HIM is the one for me and why truthfully, I only see the good. In life you have relationships and people that you can move on and live without; but then there are the ones you cannot live without. So HIM is that person, I KNOW I cannot live without... Yes I know because with everything that we have faced together and apart, this has still been my source of peace. In the midst of the chaos, I had to silence everyone around me because sometimes you will think that people have your best interest but truthfully t...

Trying to process while emotional is something that I do not suggest anyone to do, but yeah here I am doing it because guess what... this is all I know to do... So let's get into what's in my head... I did not really get much sleep last night and I honestly started crying today because I am honestly drained and I mean really drained. I feel like everyone is pulling from me and I have nothing left to give, like nothing I can support with or even pour from. I literally give and give of myself until I have nothing.. but then somehow I still continue to give. My well has been malfunctioning for months now and I honestly feel like people, well some people, I thought that would notice have not noticed a thing. If I dive deeper into my world, I can tell you that I have been battling my depression, my seasonal depression, and my anxiety. I have been really struggling and I mean struggling.. But I feel that no one has really asked about that or even cared about the things I have been fa...

It's the holiday season again and I really have so much that I go through emotionally during this time, well I don't think that I am the only one that deals with these feelings. I have been through so much lately especially when it comes to life, but for some reason the holidays makes everything worse in my mind. So let's dive into what's really going on.. So let me just start with how I have recently gotten this thought process that people do not get what it means when people say that they are depressed. I have been dealing with my depression for most of my life and most people honestly do not believe me; I mean I know that I may have the mindset of being social and a little extroverted at times... but truthfully, my depression and anxiety are the worst this time of year. I have spent most of my life trying not to be seen as overly sensitive but I feel now it's time for me to really talk about the things I feel most will not. Seasonal Depression is big in the world...

Hey Everyone! I had to take a break and go on a little vacation so that I can recenter my thoughts. The best way to talk about things is to take a break and then come back more clear and concise. I have so much that is in my mental that I have to make sure that I do not let it take me backwards. So here is the other part to what I was talking about in my last post.. I have been dealing with so much lately and I have been really vulnerable with one person, and I mean one person only. It's like I do not have to even tell HIM something is wrong, he always knows. He calls, he checks in, and he really takes the time to fix my mental in times I really need HIM. In the past few months, I personally have had so much going on and he always would hit me up, protect me, and pull me out of the places I did not know were about to swallow me whole.  I honestly feel like meeting HIM has been my biggest blessing, but it also has been something that took me by storm because I never thought I deserv...

 Today, this post will be a lot more personal because I have something that I want to get out and honestly talk about. I feel that in life when we are going through our challenges with our mental health we are not very open about what's really going on because we never want people to judge or more on the scary side have someone call to have you Baker Acted or committed for those that do not know what that is honestly. So today, I am going to take you on a journey of what I call my "Intrusive Thoughts" while also talking about someone that I honestly am grateful for everyday outside of my daughter. So lets get real transparent... So for as long as I can remember I have had my "Intrusive Thoughts" that I am really not a fan of because they are some thoughts are in my "Dark Place" but they come anytime of day. I can be driving my car and I will think "Drive into oncoming traffic", "Drive off the side of this freeway", "If that sem...

Man, it's been forever since I came in this blog and just wrote down my feelings and talked through the many thoughts in my head. When I say many thoughts, I mean many thoughts going on in my mind because baby, life has been life-in. Where do I begin.... I really do not know how I have gone this long without sitting down and writing out my thoughts and emotions. So let's begin... So last time I checked in I was talking about accepting my daughter having autism and how I was processing all that. Well I want you to know that I have accepted it fully, and let's be clear that I was always getting my daughter all the help she needed to be successful before they said anything about autism. So it was never me not getting her help and being in denial, it was more of me understanding that my advocacy for my child had to be a lot more and deeper because I will be the only one that can get her what she needs in life. So in that area, my daughter is getting better and saying more words...

So back in November of last year, I got some information/news that would knock any parent down because it's not easy to hear, but for me it almost took me to my dark place. Let me be honest, I still struggle on a regular with my depression and anxiety, that is not something that just goes away. Some days are better than others and some days, I promise you SURVIVING is extremely hard to do in general. But back to what I was saying about this new information that I received. For those have been year awhile, you all know that I have a daughter who is now 4 years old. I never really explained a lot about my daughter because I honestly was in denial about a lot of stuff dealing with her development, but now I feel that what I have been going through and this journey could possibly help someone. So anyways, my daughter has some developmental issues or concerns, that I noticed early on; I brought it up to her pediatrician and was told it was nothing to be concerned with. Well fast forward...

 I feel like I do not even know how to navigate this blog anymore it's been that long. But hey, did you miss me? I know I have missed this. I have so much to talk about because in the past year life has been life and it got overwhelming. But let me start downloading, just so you are wonder this will be a long entry... So let's start from the beginning, when I last wrote in here I expressed a lot about so much going on in my personal and love life; well i got major updates on that plus I had a mini stroke in May of 2023. Yes, you read that right, I had a mini stroke which was caused by a lot of stress and being overwhelmed from work and life. I was in middle of finishing my Master's, working full time at a school, and being a single mom (which I got some updates on that journey, but that's a blog of it's own). My stroke was a big eye opener for the fact that I honestly had lost control of how I handle my stress and that I really needed to rethink if I wanted to be a ...

Anxiety, oh boy anxiety... I have been dealing with so much anxiety and having an overwhelming feeling. I honestly can tell you that lately I do not know if I am coming or going because my mind is racing all over the place. I have really never realized how much a lot of stress and anxiety could cause me to lose it but MY GOODNESS!! So between work and my mental I have become overly anxious and I have no real clue what I thought started, but I think I know what kept it going. I have been really hating being apart of the games people play and for some reason I have become apart of a game that someone is playing. I mean I have become apart of this double standard and this weird triangle that I am not feeling at all.  I have sat back and overthought so much and most people find that overthinking is a bad thing but for me, it leads me to clarity. It leads me to what has kept me up and it shows me things that I probably would not have noticed if I was not paying close attention. I love t...

It's been awhile since I wrote and it's because I have been really busy processing emotions, work, school, and mom life. It's crazy how in time so many things come to light and you get so much clarity; and to be honest that is what has been going on for me. You see I close myself off a lot and I trauma bond with people without even realizing it; I am starting to see the error in my ways on the trauma bonding with people. Recently, I have been really allowing myself to feel all my emotions dealing with many different traumatic situations that I have never honestly dealt with. The most traumatic things in my life is losing my best friend and my uncles; BUT I think my best friend was the toughest. Recently, his brother has been communicating with me more and going down memory lane; reminiscing things that I pushed down in many ways. I guess because I never wanted to honestly admit that losing him felt like losing apart of me. He was the only person I could talk to in any mood ...